I was at Target today, minding my own business, roaming the store and enjoying the first day the little man’s been back to school after being out sick for almost 2 weeks. Browsing the sales, riding down the aisles on the bar below the cart….just being a jackass…or rather partaking in my own jackassary….then it happened, it hasn’t happened in a while, and while I try to be worry free for the most part sometimes those things you push to the back of your head because the logical part of you knows you can’t stress over what you can’t control finds a way to creep out.
What happened you ask?? One of my biggest fear came true…a giant green monster came through the front doors of the store, ran down the aisles screaming and growling…yanking everything off the shelves…pushing everyone who was in his path out of the way…searching frantically for ½ priced orange juice…once he found the oj….destroying everything in his path…he made his way….still screaming and trashing everything in his way…to the checkout. He then handed the cashier his expired oj coupon, and when the cashier politely, and slightly terrified, tried to politely explain the stores coupon policy the angry monster bit her head off, said “There’s your coupon bitch” and walked off…oj and expired coupon in hand….
Wait—that didn’t happen—but I have your attention now don’t I?? And I made you laugh a little too…didn’t I?? So now on to my real semi-emotionally related-meltdown….I’m roaming the aisle, goofing off, admiring my own genius for the long johns I found on clearance for super cheap, and I saw an older lady with 2 teenage boys…they weren’t related, it wasn’t a family outing…it was 2 special needs boys…who if I had to guess lived in some sort of group home and were out running errands….The boys were happy, the lady seemed caring…as I was searching for the right type of sausage I overheard them discussing the items they needed and who they were shopping for. One of the boys was walking down the aisle with his hands over his ears. And as I continued to search for the red meat free Italian flavored sausage for my calzones tonight they vanished down another aisle and that was it….That’s where most people would continue to shop and go about their business not giving it much more thought…not me…that moment, when I saw the group of three walk down a aisle in the store, minding their own business, that’s when I almost lost it…right in the middle of the store.
I accept the fact that stressing over what you can’t control is pointless, I understand that it doesn’t get you anywhere and I still believe that 100%, BUT that doesn’t mean feelings don’t creep up occasionally. I accept Autism and all it Is & Isn’t. I accept I can’t control the future. I accept the fact that I must live forever to care for my children, as many special needs parents do…..But I still cannot see a special needs adult without almost losing it. It breaks my heart, not for the person, but for my own family….yes I know that makes me sound like a selfish ass…but I want it all for my kids….and while there are great long term care options available out there I hate thought of any of it! My babies need to stay babies forever…or better yet…insurance companies could realize that 1:91 children will be 1:91 adults before we know it, and start covering more intensive therapies….Even better that that I need to find the magic trigger that makes each of cuties tick in order to help them grow to be the best they can be….
So you’re waiting to hear what happens next right??? Did I cry my eyes out in the middle of the store like a nutcase? Did I say too hell with it and take out my frustrations on the green expired coupon using monster, kicking him straight in his monster rear? Nope, nothing that exciting. Actually, I sucked up my feelings, shoved them deep down where they, along with all the other worries you can’t control, belong, and I went about my shopping. Feeling a little bummed at thoughts of what the future holds, but more than anything feeling excited to see my cuties after school, hug them, and tell them they are PERFECT!!!
REMEMBER [When those darn emotions and worries, about whatever it is you may be stressing about, start sneaking in] :::::Van Wilder said it best:::::Worryings like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere