Tag Archives: joke

A lady gets pulled over for speeding…

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A lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.Cartoon-Police

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Ladies 

Rangers Fans

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A Rangers fan, a Yankees fan & a Red Sox fan are climbing a mountain & arguing about who loves his team more. The Red Sox fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Sox!”, he yells, & jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Rangers fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells “This is for Texas!” & pushes the Yankee fan off the mountain.

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Happy Opening Day!

A Congress full of Baboons?!

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The things you learn from family…it’ll make you think….

(or at least laugh a little…)

We all know that:::

                A group of geese is a flock

                A group of cattle is a herd

                A group of wolves is a pack

But did you know::::

                A group of BABOONS is a CONGRESS

Coincidence….I THINK NOT! ;P

Or maybe…just maybe…our Congress is full of Baboons….

“How Nice” – A Joke About Manners

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Flashback to the 1880′s on a ranch out in the country.

Two young women, Amy and Anna, are standing outside on a beautiful day. Amy turns to Anna and says, “You see all this land, that goes as far as the eye can see? My daddy left that to me when he passed away”

Anna looks out at all the land and turns back to her friend  responding, “How nice.”

Amy goes on to say, “You see all this livestock, and all the crops,  my daddy left this to me.”

Anna again responds with  a simple “How nice”.

Amy continues, “You see that beautiful house, the wagons, everything in the house, my daddy left it all to me.”

Anna glances around at everything and again a simple “How nice”, is all she says.

Amy, not pleased with her friends lack of enthusiasm, asks, “Well, what did your daddy leave you?”

Without a pause Anna looks at he friend and says, “My daddy didn’t have a lot of money or nice things to leave me, instead he sent me to finishing school where they taught me to say How Nice instead of Fuck You.”

~My aunt told me this joke and it still cracks me up…it’s kind of like how in the south you can say anything about someone as long as you end it with ‘Bless Your Heart”.

I’ll show you, it works every time (now you have to say it with a smile for it to really work ;) ) :

“She’s dumb as a box of rock, bless her heart”